The seven year process of writing The Encyclopedia of Sports Parenting included a number of surveys with a variety of groups, including many which focused on former athletes. One of particular note was a survey of 500 individuals who have achieved high-level success in their professional careers. We found that 86% of this group had played sports in their youth.

In most of the adult surveys, we asked the question: What, if any, lessons from sports have you carried forward to life? A common refrain caused me to coin the phrase Competitive Self-Restraint.

Competitive Self-Restraint implies the ability to compete hard but maintain ones self control. Many of those surveyed left no doubt that the employment of competitive self-restraint was a quality they learned in sports, and was often the result of good sports parenting, good coaching – or both.

Many further stated that competitive self-restraint is an essential quality of success in life. One respondent said it this way, "Competing hard, giving 100% while maintaining my self-control, came out of the culture of my high school basketball program. Our coach always insisted that we play hard, but clean. It is an approach that has helped me throughout my career, and the self-control part has been especially helpful with inter-personal relationships."

Another respondent, the CEO of a major company, wrote, "In my board room, there is no such thing as trash talking. There is, however, a combination of preparation, civility, intensity and teamwork. I learned these lessons as a substitute high school football player under the tutelage of a great coach. We would never think of acting out in a game or getting into a fight after a game – or at any other time – because our coach made it clear that such actions would reflect badly on our team, our school and our families."

Two Key Goals for the 2009 National Sportsmanship Day

The Institute for International Sport has decided to make competitive self-restraint and zero tolerance of fighting in sports the two goals of our 19th annual National Sportsmanship Day. Since parents and coaches have such a profound effect on the commitment of young people to reach these objectives, here are five important points to consider:

1. You need to remember that sports – just like every other major institution in our society – has an obligation to contribute to a civil society. Violence - whether on the field, in the stands or on the streets - severely detracts from this non-negotiable obligation.
2. You need to be unambiguous in your support of the concept of competitive self-restraint, and your firm opposition to fighting. Your message: There can be absolutely no fighting! Any violation of this principle, no matter who starts the fight, will result in severe punishment.
3. This message of no fighting can be buttressed by a phrase that has been at the core of National Sportsmanship Day for the last 19 years: Don't punch back – play harder!
4. On the positive side, you need to inform young athletes of the many advantages of employing competitive self-restraint in athletic competition. An athlete who competes hard but maintains self-control offers himself/herself and teammates the best chance for success. Remind your young athlete that controlling your emotions affords you clarity of thinking - both on and off the field.
5. You need to inform young athletes of the many advantages of employing competitive self-restraint in one's career, and the critical nature of employing self-control in interpersonal relationships.

The "Standards of Behavior" Discussion You Must Have With Your Athlete

Following a speech at the United States Coast Guard Academy, I had a fascinating conversation with several cadets about societal expectations of certain groups, including varsity athletes. The discussion centered around two schools – one a U.S. military academy; the other a non-military private college. A strikingly similar "scandal" occurred on both campuses. The scandal at the military academy received front page coverage in every major American newspaper; the scandal at the private college received only minor local coverage. Virtually the same scandals – vastly different media reaction.

I later conducted an informal poll with several members of the media, presenting to each journalist the following scenario:

• A varsity high school or college athlete commits a bad act, ranging from a violation that requires school discipline (perhaps suspension) to something illegal.
• The same act is committed by a non-athlete (who is not involved in any other high-profile extracurricular activity at the school).

I then asked the journalists if and how media coverage would differ for the two examples:

• Each journalist told me that the varsity athletes indiscretion would get far more coverage.
• Each journalist told me that even if a varsity athlete committed a lesser offense than a fellow student who is not engaged in a high profile extracurricular activity, the athlete would still be accorded much greater coverage. "We're talking about 20-1 in coverage, minimum," is how one journalist explained it.

The Ten Reasons Your Athlete Must Adhere to High Standards of Behavior

An important point for your young player to understand is that being an athlete places the youngster in the "much greater public scrutiny" category. Here are the ten reasons why:

1. The behavior of athletes is more closely observed than that of other students – both in school and by the general public.
2. As much as any group, athletes are judged by the company they keep. This fact may require an athlete to disassociate from those who are not adhering to high standards of behavior.
3. The misbehavior of athletes is a media lightening rod – far more so than the misbehavior of most other students.
4. The misbehavior of an athlete can have highly public and embarrassing, if not devastating, consequences to the athlete's personal reputation.
5. The misbehavior of an athlete can be a source of great public embarrassment to the athlete's family.
6. The misbehavior of an athlete can have highly public and embarrassing, if not devastating, consequences to the reputation of the team, coaching staff and school.
7. The misbehavior of athletes can get coaches fired – whether or not the coach had anything at all to do with the misbehavior.
8. The academic status of athletes, including SAT scores and failing grades, is considered fair game by the media.
9. Rules violations and penalties imposed by a coach on the athlete are considered fair game by the media.
10. Considerate behavior by an athlete toward others produces a disproportionate amount of goodwill, just as inconsiderate behavior by an athlete toward others produces a disproportionate amount of ill will.
    (*Taken from The Encyclopedia of Sports Parenting)

Your final message on this issue: "Being an athlete is a privilege which carries certain responsibilities, as well as severe consequences for bad behavior." Also share this list with your athletes coach, and have a discussion with your child about the role of the internet, as it relates to privacy and standards of behavior.

Final Point: Parent Behavior

In The Encyclopedia of Sports Parenting, I address the consequences of parental violence or misbehavior in the following way: Intense circumstances, especially those involving children, can provoke good people to act out in ways they never imagined possible. If you feel you are about to lose control, take a deep breath, count to 30, and consider the unfortunate consequences that could result from irate behavior, including the fact that parent outbursts at games are now a media lightning rod.

Pearl Buck once wrote, "Every mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied." Never have I seen a decision by a parent to enter a conflict at a sporting event prove to be a better choice than to retreat from a conflict.

Daniel E. Doyle, Jr. is the founder and executive director of The Institute for International Sport and the founder of National Sportsmanship Day. Mr. Doyle is the author of The Encyclopedia of Sports Parenting.

Click here for information on how to purchase The Encyclopedia of Sports Parenting.